The thousand-yard stare that came into the eyes of the seller when I asked why he was getting rid of this 2001 BMW 750iL Sport should have been a clue for me to run away without looking back. “I can’t own an E38,” he mumbled, then changed the subject to my bravery in attempting to drive this train wreck the 12 hours home, instead of having it shipped. Little did he know that I was only going to drive it the first 5 hours of the trip, having previously planned to dump it on my husband in St. Louis for the rest of the ride home to Omaha, while I took the family minivan back to our hometown to visit my mother. This was a fortuitous decision on my part, and would test my husband’s love for me to the utmost. As he drove it the remaining 7 hours home through 92-degree heat, the car’s heater went rogue, determining of its own will to heat the interior and refusing to be shut down. Fortunately, the AC worked well and was able to fight the heater to a lukewarm draw. Adding to this amusement, the car refused to lock or unlock via the key fob. After a meal stop, at first it wouldn’t even unlock with the key, until brute force born of desperation opened the door with a herculean twist of the key in the lock. To add to the joy, the dash warned that the brake lights were inoperable. Later, a nonchalant switch to high beams almost caused the engine to stall at highway speeds. Low beams were used for the rest of the trip, and the car was left running and unlocked at all subsequent stops. To my husband’s disappointment, this hot mess was still in the parking lot when he returned, too unappealing even to steal. Once home, I set about sorting it out. After all, I’d passed up a new car on the theory that if you threw enough money at it, an E38 could be as reliable as a new car. It’s so cute that I’m an optimist! Six months later, having built a strong relationship of mutual trust and respect with my mechanic, I accidentally mentioned to my husband what I had spent on this magical (some might say “possessed”) hoopty. After that, I didn’t get to take it to the mechanic any more, so I set about fixing what broke with chewing gum, JB Weld, and an assortment of products from Hobby Lobby. It is imperative as an E38 owner to leave one or more things broken, so as to fool the car into not breaking more things. Currently my E38 has a stuck front cupholder, glovebox struts that have given up their gas, the driver’s side lumbar pump is shot, and the trim on a rear door panel has come unglued. Despite all the pain and trouble, the juice of this lemon has almost been worth the squeeze. Self-satisfied? Nothing’s more so. As you waft past all the plebes in their newish entry-luxury sedans or Japanese appliances, you think to yourself, “You know, folks. For the same money you could have had a V12. You really must try it sometime.”
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