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Hagerty Employee

What If? 2021 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight | Hagerty Media

Welcome to What If , a new feature from imaginative illustrator Abimelec Arellano and Hagerty. We'll be taking you back in time-and possibly forward into the future-to meet alternative-universe automobiles. Even better, our time machine is working well enough to bring "short take" reviews along with the photographs and advertisements.
Pit Crew

I can hear Mr. Chuck D rapping out those lyrics right now!

"The ultimate homeboy car"
New Driver

To hell with this thing - let's see the Electra 245 of this universe.

hay i have the "black soot" strait sicks in my tawhore and its awesum

So it would be a badge-engineered vehicle even in a parallel universe? Sounds right, but I bet it would be based off something like a GMC Envoy. Either way I'd be bored.
Pit Crew

I'm starting to wonder if this column exists as a way to take passive-aggressive shots at topics (or people) that cannot or could not be shoehorned into Avoidable Contact. Since I tend to be roughly aligned with your thought process, it don't bother me none. I particularly loved the cracks about President's Chelsea's ration and FB Points (and those were in the same sentence!). But it seems rather obvious, so just calling it like I'm seeing it.

I try to load these things up with "Easter eggs"; the more of them you figure out, the, ah, COOLER you are, right? 🙂 It's all in fun, I'm not trying to convince anybody on any topic other than watch rental, which strikes me as the lamest thing to happen to men since the book about eating quiche...


That was fun, so well written! Gotta love the Vista Cruiser roof! What a great line this one is :
“We don’t take chances with Ninety-Eight, so the electric SUV powertrain we’re offering in the GMC Jimmy won’t show up here until we are certain it’s not going to electrocute any more buyers …
Please bring back a Mercury Marauder, or for basic transportation a Plymouth Valiant!

What would you base a modern Marauder or Valiant on? Off hand, I'm thinking the Marauder would be an Explorer ST variant... a Valiant would be some kind of Dodge Dart re-pop.

Of course, what I REALLY want to get Abimelec to do is a Plymouth Fury on the current Chrysler 300.
Intermediate Driver

Bad enough that "Cadillacs" have been replaced by trucks; no need for a storied nameplate like the Olds 98 to be similarly wasted an another look-alike SUV. Blah...