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Hagerty Employee

Smithology: Chekhov's chocolate | Hagerty Media

Once, a while back, the internet mailed me a chocolate gun. More accurately, several funny people I know on the internet bought me a chocolate gun. The mailman just knocked on my door one day, then left a foam-lined box containing a 1:1 sugar replica of a Colt 1911, no fanfare, as if he had just delivered something as dull as mail.
Pit Crew

Really great piece and writing Sam. I very nearly spit a mouthful of tea on my keyboard when I read "ACH AYE RIGHT FIVE OVER CREST". Just brilliant.

thought this might say something coherent about the Honda crotchrocket leading the story but I was wrong.

He did. About the college student with the CBR, and how would be tempted to get one.
Try reading the whole article before spewing your opinions...
Pit Crew

Intermediate Driver

The chocolate gun was mailed to you because you were issued a gun and a badge upon joining French Car Twitter.

Fires Dum-Dums bullets?
Advanced Driver

No, Milk Duds.
Pit Crew

Sam Smith: the Hunter S. Thompson of modern automotive journalism.

Doin' the Lord's work.

Laughed out loud in the office break room. Luckily the only other person there was listening to a podcast about the existential threat of Nilla Wafers and (politely?) didn't acknowledge my snorting.
Advanced Driver

This passed me just this morning: Brand new Mustang with the fake vroom-vroom noises going full blast. Just enough tinny distortion that you could tell it was coming out of a speaker somewhere. No matter how much of a dude this dude is, that sound makes you chuckle and say, "That's just... sad".
Pit Crew

Yeah, I just...don' that feature would appeal to any serious car guy or girl. It's kind of like a very bad toupee.

"service entrance"
Pit Crew

There's a highway not far from my home, down the hill. The sounds of miscreants on Soichiro's and Taglioni's grandchildren rolls up the valley on soft early summer nights like these. I'm tempted to gear up, get on my own mount if only to watch the fun. But I'm afraid I may try to participate, and I'm old slow and (comparitively) blind. So I sigh inside and wish for the time machine that will likely be made right after a practical flying car.
Pit Crew

Is "Specs" in Chuck Taylors polishing a helmet at the end there some kind of coded message?

I love the phrase "...vomitous aftermarket wheels". Since you are a professional writer with higher standards than most, be careful when you use a foreign idiom. It's née, not neé. In fact, in these days of politically-correct non-gender-specific labels, I might even argue it could be né.

   So we can make a seat that can tell if my butt's in it and my belt isn't snapped.  We can create a car that can tell what other cars around it are doing, and steer and/or brake accordingly.  We can build a car that will parallel park itself (or so I'm told - never saw one).  We can devise all sorts of vehicles that adjust the number of cylinders to us, advance or retard the timing as needed, adjust traction and ride height automatically, and tell us, "in 1/4, turn left onto Sycamore Drive - your destination is on the left".

   Why the heck can't we engineer something that tells semis that they are in a no-engine-braking-zone and disable it until they are safely away from my bedroom window and the hammock in my backyard?

Intermediate Driver

I chose to live in the quiet, rural Kettle Moraine in SE WI. Our home is on a rustic road that attracts leaf watchers in the Fall, many on Milwaukee’s finest noise maker.
Why do Harley riders festoon their bikes with American flags? Does that justify the 125DBA exhaust and emission violation? When it is 2AM and I am awakened by a Loud Glide a mile distant; I do not thank God for another patriot.

Indeed, under exactly those circumstances I was pondering the Doppler effect of a one-mile distant dark-thirty pass-by when it shifted abruptly to a rev-limit warble, then silence. Donning jeans, slip-ons, and my pick-up truck, I arrive at the county trunk in two minutes. There is light and chrome in the east ditch as I stop on the west shoulder. My headlights illuminate a human form, in road kill posture. It is a woman, unconscious but breathing. Crossing the road, the rider, under the bagger is quite dead.

Later that week the local news told of the OWI rider leaving his wife at a bar to take another woman home. Helmetless, they caught the edge of the pavement in a gentle turn and flipped. His passing is now memorialized in the ditch with oxymoronic religion, a black cross with red flames, a date, and name. I consider the “RIP” ironic.
The “service” followed later that week, at the local funeral parlor. The photo eulogy exhibits consistent arrogance as every snapshot features the deceased with middle finger prominent. FTW. GFOD.
In lieu of a 21-gun salute, 42 unsilenced combustion chambers announce “the service is over” and quiet returns to the Kettle Moraine, at least temporarily.
Pit Crew

Thanks for a great article! We too live in eastern Tennessee, in a community that at one point had an ex tv CHP extolling it’s virtues to unsuspecting northerners (of which I am one, who escaped from the most corrupt state in the country). But I digress. I too live within earshot of the main road (complete with stoplight!) so I hear all the same variety of sounds as you do. Many in the road for the same reasons you mentioned. I’m just curious though, Is it a requirement for anyone with a pickup truck 3/4 ton or greater to have a giant black smoke spewing exhaust ? My feeling is that they really want to be driving that Jake brake equipped dump truck, but that might get them ostracized from their local golf course. Keep the faith!

MMMMM>>>> Chocolate! What nice friends you have Mr. Smith. 🙂
I'd say you did the right thing with the gun. I do have a love for artful objects created by caring hands, but if the medium is Chocolate or cake or some other delectable offering, that 'objet d'art' likely won't be long for this world. 🙂
"Why'd did you eat that? It was Art!" Yes, and it was yummy!
Maybe you need to drop a hint or several to those same friends and perhaps one of them will be kind enough to give you access to a CBR?
Now, if you'd like to try driving a '64 El Camino with a high compression 327 V8 with 2.5" dual exhaust and just slightly burnt out Turbo mufflers, a Tremec 5-speed and a well sorted, corner turning suspension, I might be out that way later this year...

The Haiku was great. I loved the stream of consciousness observations. I laughed!
New Driver

Just re-read your article that you wrote upon Dan Gurney's passing in January 2018. I am currently engaged in a project at AAR where I visit approximately once per month. Trips to the restroom involve walking by the GTP Toyota, Indy cars, and the Alligator motorcycles. I have expressed my opinion to the family that they must be like the janitor that sweeps the floor in front of the Mona Lisa - I am sure every once in awhile he pauses and looks up and winks at her. The staff at AAR must wonder why I always return from the restroom with a smile on my face.
New Driver

Really great piece and writing Sam. I very nearly spit a mouthful of tea on my keyboard when I read "ACH AYE RIGHT FIVE OVER CREST". Just brilliant //Testing//