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Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

New Driver

IMG-20200711-WA0004.jpg

IMG-20200711-WA0005.jpg

For my "German" submission, here's my 2005 VW Lupo, Made in Brazil.

I got this car in December last year, I traded a 2000 Nissan Xterra for it, I wanted out of that one because it had some stuff to get done, also smelled like wet dog and a faint tint of pee.

Well it wasn't any better, needed all 5 new tires, I changed the piston rings, all shocks, was an eternal electrical problem, the camshaft sensor wiring is bad, the gas gauge is bad, sometimes it goes down for no reason at all and returns to where it was, sometimes, the first thing I saw and it was really noticeable, it was in a crash, where it was most likely sandwiched between, since both sides look like they are terribly painted an I had to kick closed the driver's door the other day and the Bondo cracked.

Has crank windows, no AC AND EVEN THE HEATER HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED.

But still somehow my mom likes it so much as our grocery getter she didn't let me sell it yet, it's a small, nimble and practical car for the city, even fun sometimes, it's name is "huevito" or "small egg/eggy".

I may keep it for a while longer, I've planned to teach my GF how to drive in it and if she feels comfortable in it I'll let her keep it when I can replace it with another bad decision.

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Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

Pit Crew

I humbly submit my absolute worst garbage son, the Dreaded Laramie of cars: a 1971 Volkswagen 411.

 

That is its name now. It has earned it.

 

Der Gefürchtete Laramie der AutosDer Gefürchtete Laramie der Autos

 

So few people bought a 411 in the United States that I want/need to learn German just so I can find better forums and more documentation for this thing. I rarely even see them at aircooled shows. I feel like I would own Wörthersee and then die when my brakes failed coming down a mountain. Back when I was at Jalopnik full-time, most of the "Volkswagen 411" tag was pieces about my wretched, barely-running car. It is a forgotten gem, and mine is terrible. Later, I determined that "Cries for Help" was a better tag for this. Please, I beg of you. I can only bother the kind aircooled man in Bastrop so much.

 

The 411 was Volkswagen's last hurrah at aircooled engines, its first four-door family sedan and the most advanced aircooled car they ever made. It's a rear-wheel-drive, rear-engine sedan powered by the Type 4 engine that was later refined by Porsche to go into the Porsche 914. My 1.7-liter paperweight did not benefit from Hans Mezger's golden touch. My unknown quantity of an engine came out of a VW bus, which means that its dipstick hits the big air intake whenever I go to check the oil.

 

My car has a fine turd provenance, originally getting roasted in 2010 by saucy minx and Lemons nemesis Murilee Martin in the heyday of Jalopnik's Down on the Street column.

 

Seven years later, a 24 Hours of Lemons team found this very car, threw a roll cage in it, and took it racing—complete with a garbage three-speed automatic transmission and no cooling tins. It reached temperatures over 500 degrees during the race at times, thoroughly destroying some of its internal components. We won Index of Effluency. I drank out of my shoe in joy. A strong, hoppy IPA pairs nicely with Buttonwillow's sand and nomex-absorbed foot stank.

 

This team was done with the 411, so that's when I adopted my cursed Volkswagen son. They gave it away for free, so I towed it halfway across the country back home to Texas. I attempted to fix its problems before my next 24 Hours of Lemons race in Houston, but failed miserably. It took forever to track down the near-unobtanium engine cooling tins, plus the list of problems was simply too long. I think I almost killed Kevin, who is a better driver than I am. The Lemons judges awarded our team the "I Got Screwed" trophy, claiming that I overpaid for a truly wretched Volkswagen.

 

If this my 411 was a person, this despicable gutter boy would wear a shirt with "Porsche Owners Die Angry" with a photo of my face on the front. It is the worst car that will be submitted to this carnival of badness, and thank goodness I don't have to tow it to a physical car show. It would take four hundred and eleven days to arrive anywhere, even if it was just across San Marcos. Every time I've towed it anywhere, a hopeless oil leak out of the passenger side valve cover leaves a puddle that makes the Exxon Valdez feel inadequate.

 

I'm sorry.I'm sorry.

 

I spent a disproportionate amount of time staring at the Type 4 in Volkswagen's collection at Autostadt trying to determine how it wasn't sitting in a giant puddle of its own fluids.

 

My 411's current list of problems is still long and horrible. It has a top speed of maybe 30 mph if you push it downhill, which is good since a connector for the brake lines cracked (unless there is something at the bottom of the hill).

 

The engine still overheats. The carburetor sucks. There is a single carb that tends to stick and flood the engine bay. I suspect that parts of the engine may be running lean and contributing to the overheating issue given that it originally came with fuel injection, and that many other Type 4 owners sans Einspritzung! have suggested running two carbs to get a more even distribution of fuel. At the very least, I need to rebuild that stupid carb.

 

It still poops oil out of the passenger side. I probably need to get that valve cover and head resurfaced. No new seal has been able to remedy the issue. It's probably warped, especially since the passenger side pistons were the ones that got extra melty in its first race.

 

The cooling tins are mostly on now, but there's one extra piece that I found that fits under the outside tins to push air more directly into the driver's side intake.

 

I should also install the seat and some fresh belts, take the four-speed manual out of the passenger side of the car and replace that awful automatic transmission, clean out the insect/varmint nests (bees seem to love this car), find a new side marker light and repaint the nice Empi exhaust before the surface rust turns to real rust. I also can't remember if the 944 tachometer we added works.

 

Alternately, WTB a working 914 engine, provided that we don't all die for the economy first.

 

I, Awful Cry Person, love my garbagest of garbage sons.

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Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

New Driver
Nice car!
Highlighted

Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

Pit Crew

Please enjoy the long, terrible tale of my absolute worst garbage son, the Dreaded Laramie of cars: a 1971 Volkswagen 411.

 

Der Gefürchtete Laramie der AutosDer Gefürchtete Laramie der Autos

 

So few people bought a 411 in the United States that I want/need to learn German just so I can find better forums and more documentation for this thing. I rarely even see them at aircooled shows. Back when I was at Jalopnik full-time, most of the "Volkswagen 411" tag was pieces about my wretched, barely-running car. It is a forgotten gem, and mine is terrible. Later, I determined that "Cries for Help" was a better tag for this. Please, I beg of you. I can only bother the kind aircooled man in Bastrop so much.

 

The 411 was Volkswagen's last hurrah at aircooled engines, its first four-door family sedan and the most advanced aircooled car they ever made. It's a rear-wheel-drive, rear-engine sedan powered by the Type 4 engine that was later refined by Porsche to go into the Porsche 914. My 1.7-liter paperweight did not benefit from Hans Mezger's golden touch. My unknown quantity of an engine came out of a VW bus, which means that its dipstick hits the big air intake whenever I go to check the oil.

 

My car has a fine turd provenance, originally getting roasted in 2010 by saucy minx and Lemons nemesis Murilee Martin in the heyday of Jalopnik's Down on the Street column.

 

Seven years later, a 24 Hours of Lemons team found this very car, threw a roll cage in it, and took it racing—complete with a garbage three-speed automatic transmission and no cooling tins. It reached temperatures over 500 degrees during the race at times, thoroughly destroying some of its internal components. We won Index of Effluency. I drank out of my shoe in joy. A strong, hoppy IPA pairs nicely with Buttonwillow's sand and nomex-absorbed foot stank.

 

This team was done with the 411, so that's when I adopted my cursed Volkswagen son. They gave it away for free, so I towed it halfway across the country back home to Texas. I attempted to fix its problems before my next 24 Hours of Lemons race in Houston, but failed miserably. It took forever to track down the near-unobtanium engine cooling tins, plus the list of problems was simply too long. I think I almost killed Kevin, who is a better driver than I am. The Lemons judges awarded our team the "I Got Screwed" trophy, claiming that I overpaid for a truly wretched Volkswagen.

 

If this my 411 was a person, this despicable gutter boy would wear a shirt with "Porsche Owners Die Angry" with a photo of my face on the front. It is the worst car that will be submitted to this carnival of badness, and thank goodness I don't have to tow it to a physical car show. It would take four hundred and eleven days to arrive anywhere, even if it was just across San Marcos. Every time I've towed it anywhere, a hopeless oil leak out of the passenger side valve cover leaves a puddle that makes the Exxon Valdez feel inadequate.

 

I'm sorry.I'm sorry.

 

My 411's current list of problems is still long and horrible. It has a top speed of maybe 30 mph if you push it downhill, which is good since a connector for the brake lines cracked (unless there is something at the bottom of the hill).

 

The engine still overheats. There is a single carburetor that tends to stick and flood the engine bay. I suspect that parts of the engine may be running lean and contributing to the overheating issue given that it originally came with fuel injection, and that many other Type 4 owners sans Einspritzung! have suggested running two carbs to get a more even distribution of fuel. At the very least, I need to rebuild that stupid carb.

 

It still poops oil out of the passenger side. I probably need to get that valve cover and head resurfaced. No new seal has been able to remedy the issue. It's probably warped, especially since the passenger side pistons were the ones that got extra melty in its first race.

 

The cooling tins are mostly on now, but there's one extra piece that I found that fits under the outside tins to push air more directly into the driver's side intake.

 

I should also install the seat and some fresh belts, take the four-speed manual out of the passenger side of the car and replace that awful automatic transmission, clean out the insect/varmint nests (bees seem to love this car), find a new side marker light and repaint the nice Empi exhaust before the surface rust turns to real rust. I also can't remember if the 944 tachometer we added works.

 

Alternately, WTB a working 914 engine, provided that we don't all die for the economy first.

 

I, Awful Cry Person, love my garbagest of garbage sons.

Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

New Driver

That's a ball buster, never seen anything like that before ! Might be a new model to German series line. Easy enough to be a race car hybrid with super light duty truck. Never done before engineering marvel ! 🙂

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Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

Community Manager

That car is pretty terrible, speaking from experience.  I love it. 

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Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

New Driver

In the spring of 2013 a vehicle was procured to be the Planet Express interstellar delivery ship. Our crew of misfits was prepared to slowly haul your precious cargo. The vehicle we found was being retired from daily use due to non-functioning air conditioning. Our crew does not deserve such luxury. 

dEAUHan

Tirelessly and without pay our crew began work preparing our ship for intergalactic travel. Many hours were spent attaching the necessary wings and rocket boosters for moderate speeds and acceptable maneuverability.Our team mascot, Dolly, nervously poses with the clattery ship just after it's paint job.

T3by7Gz

With the crew assembled we prepared for our first delivery to Kershaw, SC. The delivery went smoothly and we were awarded a contract for another delivery a few months later.

cSB9hNv

In the following years our crew made many deliveries to Kersahaw, SC, Birmingham, AL, and Sebring, FL. In total the Planet Express ship has flown 8 major delivery missions. The crew is also encouraged to take Planet Express on personal jobs where she has been up and down the eastern seaboard from Orlando, FL to Millville, NJ and many places in between.

cxNJ3Gu

5Nr9ddy

In the fall of 2016 the rocket engine suffered a major melt down. This ended the ship's delivery career. A skeleton crew maintains the old girl now, mostly just to advertise our delivery business, as a we have a newer and faster ship to complete future missions.

 

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Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

Pit Crew

 

The thousand-yard stare that came into the eyes of the seller when I asked why he was getting rid of this 2001 BMW 750iL Sport should have been a clue for me to run away without looking back.  “I can’t own an E38,” he mumbled, then changed the subject to my bravery in attempting to drive this train wreck the 12 hours home, instead of having it shipped.  Little did he know that I was only going to drive it the first 5 hours of the trip, having previously planned to dump it on my husband in St. Louis for the rest of the ride home to Omaha, while I took the family minivan back to our hometown to visit my mother.  This was a fortuitous decision on my part, and would test my husband’s love for me to the utmost. 

 

 

As he drove it the remaining 7 hours home through 92-degree heat, the car’s heater went rogue, determining of its own will to heat the interior and refusing to be shut down.  Fortunately, the AC worked well and was able to fight the heater to a lukewarm draw.  Adding to this amusement, the car refused to lock or unlock via the key fob.  After a meal stop, at first it wouldn’t even unlock with the key, until brute force born of desperation opened the door with a herculean twist of the key in the lock.  To add to the joy, the dash warned that the brake lights were inoperable.  Later, a nonchalant switch to high beams almost caused the engine to stall at highway speeds.  Low beams were used for the rest of the trip, and the car was left running and unlocked at all subsequent stops.  To my husband’s disappointment, this hot mess was still in the parking lot when he returned, too unappealing even to steal.

 

 

Once home, I set about sorting it out.  After all, I’d passed up a new car on the theory that if you threw enough money at it, an E38 could be as reliable as a new car.  It’s so cute that I’m an optimist!  Six months later, having built a strong relationship of mutual trust and respect with my mechanic, I accidentally mentioned to my husband what I had spent on this magical (some might say “possessed”) hoopty.  After that, I didn’t get to take it to the mechanic any more, so I set about fixing what broke with chewing gum, JB Weld, and an assortment of products from Hobby Lobby.

 

 

It is imperative as an E38 owner to leave one or more things broken, so as to fool the car into not breaking more things.  Currently my E38 has a stuck front cupholder, glovebox struts that have given up their gas, the driver’s side lumbar pump is shot, and the trim on a rear door panel has come unglued. 

 

 

Despite all the pain and trouble, the juice of this lemon has almost been worth the squeeze.  Self-satisfied?  Nothing’s more so.  As you waft past all the plebes in their newish entry-luxury sedans or Japanese appliances, you think to yourself, “You know, folks.  For the same money you could have had a V12.  You really must try it sometime.”

 

 

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1959 Borgward Isabella Coupe

New Driver

Self-satisfied? 

IMG_20200718_094846519_HDR - Copy.jpg

Check.

Krautten?

IMG_20200718_094915395 - Copy.jpg

Check.

Wagen?

IMG_20200718_095034608_HDR - Copy.jpg

Nein!

Rusty?

IMG_20200718_095240587_HDR - Copy.jpgIMG_20200718_095222452_HDR - Copy.jpgCheck.

Race car?IMG_20200718_095058908_HDR - Copy.jpg

Check.

Column shift?IMG_20200718_095139749_HDR - Copy.jpg

All four speeds and reverse.

Naturally green?

IMG_20200718_095008508_HDR - Copy.jpg

Check.

Intake manifold inside valve cover?

IMG_20171126_110455926 - Copy.jpg

Check.

Ruined?

 

IMG_20171202_125309355 - Copy.jpg

Customer dirt.

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Re: Der Self-satisfied Krautten Wagen Class

New Driver
Owning a 2000 740i.. I howled with delight reading this. "The trick is to leave something broken!"
The others just dont understand an E38.